I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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