i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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