Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
