I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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