he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
