do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
