On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
