remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
