I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
