he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
