If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize