I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
