i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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