If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
