Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
is it fun? or sober?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
