I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
