he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
