Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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