I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
