I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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