as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
