the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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