if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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