So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
