my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
