I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
