Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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