Someone shit on the floor
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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