I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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