"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
