my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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