he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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