OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
