did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
