I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
