dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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