wrigley field is MILF paradise
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
40s are totally the cure
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
