I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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