I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
