Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
