There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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