Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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