He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
