I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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