The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
