Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
