Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
