the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
