Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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