Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
