I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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