my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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