god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had to cum in my sink.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
