I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
