Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
