my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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