I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
