i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
