i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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