Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
