my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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