You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
