First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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