Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
