so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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