Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
