Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
